Waking Up

“Today I wake up empty and frightened.” Sometimes awakening the heart feels like a burden to great to bear. I feel overwhelmed and alone. Even after decades of daily dedication, deep resource and abundant support, the old familiar triggers of lack-of-control, disconnect and lack of information come to plunge me into the underworld, the land of shadows. Fight/flight/freeze of my nervous system is a doorway into an initiation that I surrender to. I know descent is part of the cycle of transformation. “Don’t go to the study and read a book.” When I wake up empty and frightened, dread ringing in my ears, I can trip and step into potholes of distraction. Distraction-any path that leads away from feeling and intimacy. Attempts to control what cannot be controlled. Projection of my power and my wound, in an unconscious attempt to pretend I am not a total mess. Even the ways of betterment can become a distraction when they lead into trying to be something rather than allowing for being what I really am. “Instead, take down the dulcimer, Let the beauty of what you love be what you do.” Being a complete and total mess is where we become the origin of creation. There is no butterfly without a chrysalis of disenfranchised goo that doesn’t remember its purpose, no epic journey without the alchemy of challenge and self-doubt, no rebirth without death and the truth-telling and the undoing of the Hell realms. Learn to become a complete mess, to fall apart completely. Depression, pain, autoimmune disease, addiction-these circumstances are not punishments. They are not like farm animals that can be organized and managed. They are not to be warred against. They are literally our life energy. Don’t fight your life flow. Reclaim it. Redirect it into crazy, messy, weird expressions of beauty; not conventional magazine beauty, but a beauty so powerful and unadulterated that the mind stops and the heart opens. “There are a thousand ways to kneel down and kiss the ground. There are a thousand ways to come home again.” The Earth speaks to us: “Kneel down and kiss me,” she says, “Come home and remember how you are lovable, just as you are.” The Earth is all the possibility we don’t yet see. Earth is potential. Earth is the underworld. It’s where the hell realms are. We have this story that hell is bad, it’s where we go for punishment. But the ancient, ancient ones teach something different. Hell is where you go to relinquish the stories and identities that have become too small for you. It’s where you go to plant yourself as seed, rooting into those mysteries, to be reborn from that anchor. It hurts sometimes. Those small structures made us feel safe. The Earth has us, she knows us. We can trust her dark fertility. Fight/flight/freeze is a state of disconnect. We humans don’t have an innate ability to reset. We can literally walk through this life for decades in this state of high-alert becoming acclimated to it. When in this state of being gripped, our bodies don’t want to change. They resist our attempts to heal. When we are appropriately connected to the Earth, the body can open. Our life energy can flow. We don’t experience that energy as anxiety or overwhelm but as passion and abundance. We make space for the grace of transformation. Adrenal Reset Therapy is a practice that has been evolving in my work over the past year. It’s part of what I offer in my mentorship and group classes. We create a space safe enough that the nervous system can down-regulate. An alchemy of bodywork and subtle energy medicine, it sets the foundation for healing to happen, for the body to know it’s safe to come home. From my years in healing work I know this well-nothing is going to change until the walls come down. We tend to freak out when they do. When we come home to the Earth, everything shifts. No freak out is needed. Healing won’t be routed in a linear fashion, on the physical or through our mental/emotional process. We work simply and directly to restore our connection with our own life energy that has been blocked for too long. The ritual creates us along the way.   “Today I wake up empty and frightened. Don’t go to the study and read a book. Instead, take down the dulcimer. Let the beauty of what you love Be what you do. There are a thousand ways to kneel and kiss the ground, There are a thousand ways to come home again.” -Rumi